More reviews of The Black Wood

The Stumps (myspace) latest CD The Black Wood (Last Visible Dog link) has picked up a couple more good reviews at AnimalPsi and Foxy Digitalis.

Despite the decidedly self-deprecating title (reified through the arboreal sub-title and booklet art), the work of The Stumps is rather cerebral, quite elevated psychedelia with no overt hints of humor [...] all untitled pieces populating a spectrum from pure guitar-derived drone pieces to scuzzy, austere garage-psych in classic NZ style. Tracks are a technicality, for the most part, as the dark shimmer of the opening drone transitions into a krautrock free-fall in the final third of the second, picking up to Faustian thrust in the third. [...] The ambient conversation and wayward percussion of track four contradict nicely the deep lapses of dark ambience found, for example, on the 12 minute track which follows, a subterrestrial bisection where guitars writhe and glisten in the rich soil of electronic ether. A wrenched, white-jazz bombast cuts the effect briefly, then again in earnest as the band returns gear to the guitars and kit travails of before; squealing electronics are used throughout, stabbing an additional plane of sharp static to the mix. [...] Recommended.

-- AnimalPsi (read the full review)

Upon entering into “The Black Wood” one will initially find navigation hard to manage, as sounds appear from long distances, erupt and dissipate back into the dark abyss from which they sprang. Imagine echoing reverberations bouncing off the burnt out husks of trees tease the mind conjures images of what may or may not be laying in wait for you… then suddenly the dark feelings dissipate as a gentle rain begins to fall. But as the last rays of light leave and complete darkness takes over, the sounds shift their tone, implicating a rising danger moving closer towards you. Finally, when the drumming begins you know you must find your way out of this place … and when your pace quickens, everything erupts into a head-on chase, accompanied by heavy drum and bass interplay through which a reverb-drenched guitar weaves chaos in and out of the mix..

Essentially the first three tracks of this recording would make quite a memorable soundtrack to some form of horror film or ghost tale. In many ways, this suite offers similar feelings that arise while listening to Tetsuya Ohashi’s soundtrack to Kaneto Shindo’s “Onibaba.” The sense of juxtaposition of very spatially oriented arrangements with very structured interludes, presents a high level of tension that manages to find its way to a wonderful and very satisfying resolution with the close of the third movement. [...] 8/10

-- Cory Card, Foxy Digitalis (read the full review)

Thank you to our reviewers, we're glad you like the record.

PS. Though Cory Card and I both write for Foxy Digitalis, he is not under any compulsion to write nice things about my band.

Kiwi T-Shirts

This is really, really good news.

I was affeared that the Kiwi T-Shirts shop had vanished forever from Wellington when it moved from its previous location on the corner of Chews Lane and Willis Street (for the "massive" Chews Lane project).

About a month ago I went hunting for it at its purported new location -- 27 Manners Street, according to the whitepages. It was nowhere to be found. "Oh noes" wailed I -- fearing the worst -- to anyone who would listen, "how'm I gonna make my one-off slogan art tee-shirts now?" (Galleryhag)

But riding past the location in a bus, yesterday, all my fears evaporated upon spying the new signage, and Kiwi T-Shirts man in the window, hanging up the good ol' trusty "print goofy images of your nephews and nieces on mousepads and white shirts" shop stock.

First up out of the blocks at the new location is gonna be...

WHAT WLD
CARAVAGGIO
DO ?

... I think...

Mystery Monday: *j ****w

(Congrats to "Kate's Dad" for correctly identifying the previous mystery as being Johnny B '77 by Jack Bruce from his 1977 album of surprising goodness, How's Tricks.)

A new regular feature showcasing mysterious tunes that take my fancy, juxtaposed with mysterious results from Google Image Search. Listen up, clickety-click and go where the web takes you...

Prizes will be awarded if you can tell me what/who the track is.

And if you are a maker of mysteries and would like to contribute to this feature, contact me offline to organise stuff.

Friday Farce: Travelling Riverside Blues

(dammit I forgot to hit "publish" on this one -- that'll teach me to blog drunk)

Travelling Riverside Blues is a blues song written and recorded in Dallas, Texas by legendary bluesman Robert Johnson. Johnson's June 20, 1937 recording has a typical 12 bar blues structure, played on a single guitar tuned to open G, with a slide. It was first released on the 1961 compilation LP King of the Delta Blues Singers. The song has proved popular with more recent blues musicians.

(God bless Wikipedia).

Robert Johnson - Travelling Riverside Blues (2.43 MB mp3: right-click and Save As to download; play using the handy little embedded player below)

Led Zeppelin recorded a version of the song at the BBC studios in 1969, but it was quite different from the original, and it's more a tribute to Robert Johnson than a cover. The song showcases a riff by Jimmy Page (also in open G tuning), and in the lyrics Robert Plant quotes many Robert Johnson songs, such as "She studies evil all the time", from Kind Hearted Woman Blues, and "Why don't you come on in my kitchen", from Come on in My Kitchen (which is heard during the song's solo).

Led Zeppelin - Travelling Riverside Blues (2.24 MB mp3)

Despite being broadcast on the BBC several days after it was recorded, it never appeared on any of the band's official albums; the recording remained virtually unknown until appearing on disc 1 of the Led Zeppelin Box Set about 1990 or so (it has subsequently turned up on the Led Zeppelin BBC Sessions album, and on the expanded Coda album from the Complete Studio Recordings box set).



...which is a crying shame, because it's a brilliant track. I remember hearing it for the first time on Pirate FM about 1990 and being absolutely floored by it.

Puke!

Billy Idol - Happy Holidays (2006)

Someone fucken kill me now.

Resurrecting history pt. 2

Late January, 2005
Operational HQ, Urewera National Park

It's meal time at the base in the heart of the forest, but Tame Iti is upset and rather off his food. He has changed into his coat of many colours*, and is far more interested in talking radical politics than eating. On the table between them is a ceremonial meal of roasted meat; the ritual sacrament is known as The long arm of the law. The DragoAngel of Attractive Home Lighting Solutions is pestering Tame Iti to tell him if he's going to eat his share of the food, and if not, can he have it. Tame Iti is talking about Eldridge Cleaver, and paying no attention. Now the DragoAngel is paying no attention either, he is humming softly. Beneath his breath he is singing along to the song playing on the radio...

What is happening to my skin?
Where is that protection that I needed?
Air can hurt you too
Air can hurt you too
Some people say not to worry about the air
Some people don't know shit about the...
Air... Air...
It can break your heart

* This is how Tame Iti, ever the prankster, refers his camouflage casual wear.

The Killer

My friends, when you've reached the end of yourself and you feel there's nowhere left to turn, may I present to you: The Killer

This one is based on a classic dry martini, but takes your brain into other dimensions by using very strong spirits and making it as dry as possible. You are prevented from being knocked out instantly only by the lemon garnish, which keeps everything nicely grounded.

90 ml (3 oz) Tanqueray 10
15 ml (1/2 oz) French vermouth, dry (Noilly Prat)
5 ml (1 tsp) exceptional quality absinthe
fresh lemon peel

Chill a martini glass. Chill it properly - we're talking ice + water in the glass, sitting for 15 minutes. Place to one side.

In a martini mixing glass (or cocktail shaker), add the vermouth over a couple of handfuls of ice (cracked + cubes makes a good combo) and stir with a long-handled mixing spoon. Discard the vermouth. Over the ice add the gin, and again thoroughly stir with the spoon.

Discard the ice and water from the chilled martini glass. Rinse the glass with the absinthe, and and then discard. Strain the gin into the glass.

Make the garnish by cutting a couple of strips of lemon peel, squeezing them over the drink -- spraying everything with lemon oil -- and then dumping them in the glass.

Notes:
1. All liquid measures based on the rough equivalency that 1 single measure = 30 ml = 1 (liquid) oz.

My new favourite blog: Shirley the Great

Shirley The Great: Shirley Shirley bo Burley, Banana Fana mo Murley, Fee fi fo Furley, Shirrrleeeee!!

Two sample posts:

Chillax
Oh sweet baby Jesus, I think my cafeteria cooks with laxatives... (ouch)

Fork You
omg, I'm so hungover that I almost started eating my lunch with a pen.


I bleeve my work here is done.

The album of a The Sneak

Remember The Sneak? (I know, I know... how you could ever forget!)

Anyways, the other night I was 'round at The Sneak's house, drinking all her vodka and coke, and I took some photos. Today I made an album of a The Sneak on a The Catbook:

Mystery Monday: ***k ****e

(Can we have Mystery Monday on Tuesday? I say yes we can! Especially since yesterday was a public holiday -- more about that soon.)

A new regular feature showcasing mysterious tunes that take my fancy, juxtaposed with mysterious results from Google Image Search. Listen up, clickety-click and go where the web takes you...

Prizes will be awarded if you can tell me what/who the track is.

And if you are a maker of mysteries and would like to contribute to this feature, contact me offline to organise stuff.

Button bling

Ooooh I got my order from aQuarius Records today... and with it... some new tUMULt buttons (Sorry for blurry, hands shaking):

Click on the logo, check out their site.. it's.. unusual.

Where are they now: Dominic Bowden edition

Next Great American Band @ Neverending Rainbow.

Dominic Bowden... who "is much less insufferable than Ryan Seacrest actually".

My new favourite blog: Robyns Secret Passage

Robyn lives in Auckland at the base of a volcano:


(that's not a volcano per se, just some lovely swirly lanterns.)

"Sometimes I talk about internetty and pop culturey and writerly things, like at the National Young Writers Festival, The Great Blend and Radio NZ National.

You can see my photos at Flickr, and I even have an IMDB profile."

Robyn's stuff is fast and streetwise and funny, and if you have the chance I recommend you browse the archives -- just be careful you don't lose an afternoon in there.

...

Robyn has graciously accepted my invitation to join my Drinking Buddies over there on the right.

Resurrecting history pt. 1

January 16, 2005
Tauaarau Marae, Ruatoki
Tame Iti, wearing what appeared to be a skirt, a trooper’s cap and a FREE TAME ITI tee-shirt (or is that t-shirt, one can never remember), discharges a double-barrelled shotgun into the New Zealand flag. He then calls in his air support -- the DragoAngel of Attractive Home Lighting Solutions -- which arrives, swoops down and lifts Iti into the sky, allowing him to reload and get in another couple of good shots at the destroyed flag. The DragoAngel then whisks Tame Iti away to their base deep in the Ureweras.

UPDATE: Note (to self, as much as anyone), it's TAME Iti, not "Tama Iti". Sheesh.

Is has communizm

I found a piccie of me at Jo Hubris's Russian party a couple of weeks ago.

Usually I look a lot more handsome, though, when I go to parties and stuff.

Bye bye baby, bye bye

One positive aspect of the weekend's local body elections, however, was the dumping from council of Alick Shaw -- scratching a 3+ year itch for this writer.

Piss off, Shaw.

This picture* by Andrew Gorrie appeared both on the front page of Monday's DomPost and online, briefly -- one speculates as to why it has disappeared again -- and if you check the caption you will read "Alick Shaw gives mayor Kerry Prendergast a congratulatory hug".

Really? Could've fooled me.

My attempt to caption this picture would more run along the lines of "Kerry Prendergast, having been rid by the voters of toadie Alick Shaw from council, attempts to disengage herself from his clutches as quickly as humanly possible".

Either way, a charming pic.

The disheartening thing about this is only 21,603 people voted for her to continue as mayor, more than twice the tally of her nearest challenger. I can't tell you Wellington's voting-eligible population (though I bet Tom could), but that's not a lot of people voting.

Grr.

* Note: actually, this pic has been cropped -- the original also showed Prendergast's husband Rex Nicholl shaking his fists in glee, presumably at the prospect of three more years of unfettered money-making urban development.

Crazy Sorry

Sorry for not posting more. Sorry for mixing up the publishing of the last Friday Farce, and Monday Mystery. Sorry for well.. sorry for not having a farce today, either.




Truthfully, it's been a bit hard to concentrate, what with bloody Kerry Prendergast getting another term as mayor of Wellington, and the country being overrun by terrorists.

Yeah.. so..

...

At least go here, there's been another installment by The Commonsense Nihilist to his graphic novel.

Friday Farce: The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire

Unfortunately, I need to keep this brief...

To my left, Nelly. To my right, Tiga. Tiga - Hot in Here (original mix) (3.55 MB mp3)

Mystery Monday: *****t ****p

A new regular feature showcasing mysterious tunes that take my fancy, juxtaposed with mysterious results from Google Image Search. Listen up, clickety-click and go where the web takes you...

Prizes will be awarded if you can tell me what/who the track is.

And if you are a maker of mysteries and would like to contribute to this feature, contact me offline to organise stuff.

We children of zoo station

I wee while ago I finally got around to re-watching Christiane F. (a.k.a. Wir Kinder vom Bahnhof Zoo, a.k.a. We Children of Zoo Station) -- and featuring the stunningly beautiful Natja Brunckhorst in the title role as the teenage drug addict/prostitute -- and lots and lots and lots of footage of David Bowie in concert as well as gorgeous Bowie choons on the soundtrack -- and ever since I have been completely obsessed with his 1976 album Station to Station.

Especially after this bit, which I find myself watching over and over:

It's quite patently, ridiculously obvious that this man is a silly man, and kinda cheesy too:

The return of the thin white duke / blowing darts in lovers eyes x several

I mean, what?

But then, look at him. He's a freakin alien. He's a lost little boy. He's a demon lover. He's a chameleon, a changeling, whose appearance alters every-which-way you look at him. He's the Thin White Duke and he's blowing darts in your eyes. And, on the other hand --

Here are you / you drive like a demon / from station to station

is a pretty bloody good line.

So it's also quite obvious to me that as far as I am concerned, if you're talking about the 1970s, David Bowie, and Berlin/Germany -- and to a lesser extent makeup and smoke machines -- that he can bloody well do no wrong whatsoever. And by the way Station To Station, from which the above clip is the title track, is really, really farking good. Despite all it's.. oh.. I dunno.. cocaine-fueled conceit and bizarre lyrical themes and (what very possibly should be awful) "white-boy" funkin' and all that stuff... it's claustrophobic and paranoiac and sociophobic and agrophobic and detached and alien and arcane and it's the hottest thing to come swirling off a platter of crackly black vinyl since the LP reissue of Brett Easton Ellis reading his own short-stories.

David Bowie - Wild is The Wind (3.73 MB mp3: right-click and Save As to download; play using the handy little embedded player below)

And Wild is the Wind is a seriously incredible love-song.

You can 'listen' to the rest of Station To Station here, only be warned that track 3 Word on a Wing is corrupt. But you don't really need track 3. Oh, Station To Station is his album which immediately preceded Low, dontcha know.

So:

[1] from henceforth his "famous Berlin trilogy" or if you will, Low, Heroes and Lodger (allmusic), has become in my eyes his famous Berlin quadrilogy, including on its front-end Station To Station.

[2] I really, really want a David Bowie soundtrack to my life. I'm serious. This is one way I have identified that I can become generally happier with my lot.

...

This is what Natja Brunckhorst looks like these days (above, left).

Or this:

She's alive and well, and writing screenplays and so on (click images to follow links).

Ha ha ha fuck Che Guevera

This day in murderous thug history.....

A frenchman, yesterday (crosspost)

Xtra email problems 11 Oct 2007

For my New Zealand readers who are Xtra customers, if you are having trouble retrieving your email this morning, try this -- it worked for me.

Basically all you have to do is change your email account logon name to include the full domain part of your email address.

For example, this is from the Xtra help pages on their site:

Change as per this:

(click on either image to see larger version)

Like I said, these images are from the Xtra help pages on their site and they apply specifically to Outlook XP/2003, but the principle remains the same. (Here is the page where you can select help for whichever email client you are using.) This also applies only to @xtra.co.nz addresses -- if you have a domain email address (e.g. info@yourdomain.co.nz ) please click here for Xtra's online guide to configuring your email settings, and best of luck.

My new favourite blog: College Dating Diary

College Dating Diary:

"I am writing this blog not only to drain some of the sexual aggression I'm building up from all these sucky dates, but to amuse whoever happens upon this. My dating history is varied and those boys who've been the braves souls to take me on have ended up anywhere from jail to rehab to gay bars to fatherhood.

After a particularly brutal blow from a guy I really liked, I can't stand to keep it all in anymore. Welcome to the circus that is my dating life!"

It's hilarious and quite often, NSFW.

It was very quiet for quite awhile, but suddenly there's life again!

Bob Dylan live

As previously indicated, Bob Dylan has a new album out this month -- it's called Dylan. I'm not about to show you where you can download mp3s of the new Bob Dylan (helloooooooo RIAA), but instead I wanted to share this great live bootleg with you.

Bob Dylan Color Line Arena 2007 (bootleg)

It's a really good-sounding audience-recording boot from earlier this year. Well, it's not THAT good-sounding -- I took it upon myself to clean up the audio a little on my copy -- a little stereo separation, a little loudness, a little compression never hurt anybody -- and you may find your way to doing the same.

It's got a bunch of new tracks as well as classics to which he has done that thing that he does where he completely reworks a stone-cold Dylan classic -- putting it into different keys, different time signatures, different vocal meter, acoustic originals --> rockin' out reworkings -- to the extent where it often takes the audience a wee while to work out what tune he is playing, and respond appropriately.

Bob Dylan - It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) (live) (4.08 MB mp3: right-click and Save As to download; play using the handy little embedded player below)

This is the original:

Bob Dylan - It's Alright Ma (I'm Only Bleeding) (3.81 MB mp3)

That's pretty much it for this post, except, I wanted to draw your attention to this.

This is the introduction. This is what the emcee says as he introduces Bob Dylan and the band. My question is: what kind of a cunt would say some of this stuff when introducing ANYONE, let alone Bob Dylan, to the stage.

some random fuckwit - How Not to Introduce Bob Dylan (1.35 MB mp3)

This, in case you can't work it out, is what he says:

ladies and gentleman
please welcome the poet laureate of rock and roll
the voice of the promise of the sixties counterculture
the guy who forced folk into bed with rock
who donned make-up in the seventies and
disappeared into a haze of substance abuse
who emerged to find jesus
who was written-off as a has-been by the end of eighties
and who suddenly shifted gears
producing some of the strongest material of his career
beginning in the late nineties
ladies and gentleman
columbia recording artist
bob dylan

Now I'm possibly going to go right out on a limb here, but I have to say that everything struck out is completely superfluous, and not only that, but it's utterly inappropriate rubbish as well. I think that this fella should be ashamed of himself. What a fuckwit.

Fella -- whoever you are -- fuck you. You're a cock.

I feel feverish and sluggish

Holy god............. (via For Your Entertainment):

Mea Culpa

This is so great, I have to post it here like I discovered it or something, but really I just cribbed from The Mahatma X Files:

Mea Culpa, from Brian Eno & David Byrne's classic album My Life in the Bush of Ghosts link.

Friday Farce: Will you rescue me?

The Science of Sleep is a newish film from Michel Gondry, the director of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (my review); it's a charming, enthralling, and ultimately alienating and frustrating fairy-tale romp through the whimsical world of a complete loon.

Here's the IMDB plot summary: A man entranced by his dreams and imagination is lovestruck with a French woman and feels he can show her his world.

Yup.

Here's something from Marc Savlov via RottenTomatos.com (where it scored 67%): An endearing, beautiful, hopelessly honest mess that's supported by a pair of performances so unnaturally natural that they draw you in and clutch you, struggling, to their flipping, flopping hearts.

Yup.

On the plus side, it features the totally fuck-able Gael García Bernal and the utterly lovely Charlotte Gainsbourg (or did I get those two the wrong way around?) in the lead roles, as well as supplying this week's farce. And so without further ado....... I give you........ this week's farce.

In summary, why would you turn this:

The Velvet Underground - After Hours (1.96 MB mp3: right-click and Save As to download; play using the handy little embedded player below)

...into this:

Gael García Bernal, etc. - If You Rescue Me (chanson des chats) (3.91 MB mp3)

...or, god forbid, this, even:

Linda Serbu - If You Rescue Me (acappella) (2.12 MB mp3)

Still confused?

Why would you turn one of the most sweet, touching songs of all time into a cutesy little ditty about...... a kitten.

I dunno.

Gah.

The Black Wood reviewed in The Wire

The Stumps (myspace) are very pleased to have received a reasonably jolly review for their The Black Wood in the latest issue of flash British music magazine The Wire:

The Stumps The Black Wood
LAST VISIBLE DOG link CD

After a series of releases in various formats (from their 2003 EP If I Gave You Some Concrete Slippers, Would You Wear Them When You Jump Off The Pier? link to their more recent LP Split Fleet Dodge link), The Black Wood is New Zealand trio The Stumps' first full length CD, a culmination of all the energy and ideas packed into their back catalogue.

Comprising guitarist Antony Milton, bass guitarist Stephen Clover and former Black Boned Angel drummer James Kirk, The Stumps have still managed to build up a subterranean reputation that has compared them to Acid Mothers Temple, Fushitsusha, Les Rallizes Dénudés and The Velvet Underground, Guru Guru and even Sun Ra -- despite rarely appearing outside their homeland. Although comparisons to such dissimilar sounding artists can make one suspicious, The Black Wood reveals trace elements of all the groups mentioned (with the notable exception of Sun Ra), only slowed down, with a deliberately dirty and distant psychedelic garage band sound revving up in places. Sections also suggest the live portion of Pink Floyd's Ummagumma link, where vast amplified constellations suddenly take the listener into the heart of some decaying sun, a sonic hallucination incorporated into The Stumps' crackling cosmos of fragmented, beat enhanced drone and eclipsing electric guitar interludes.

-- EDWIN POUNCEY link, The Wire September 2007

This somewhat trumps the previous review by a guy called Dave link -- which wasn't particularly positive.

The mark-up is all mine -- the bits in strikeout are factual errors; and noone's quite sure where the Sun Ra reference came from, either.

In his own sweet way

I've ALWAYS thought Dave Brubeck was underrated as a jazz pianist and composer, but it's always been difficult to find any consensus. Until now.

I stumbled-upon this tribute compilation to Brubeck and reading the notes there, it was like a huge weight of obligation -- the obligation to prove to the world that there was a serious injustice being perpetrated here -- had been lifted from my shoulders.

I'd always felt like such a square for liking such a square. And now it's like Dave sidled up to me in a bar wearing an evening gown and sez "Baby you doan haffta feel bad no more... I'm gonna make everything awwright... I'm gonna make it all better" and.. well.. let's leave that there, ok?

The tribute compilation features some of the heaviest of the NYC experimental jazz heavyweights, and then some; Dave Slusser, Uri Caine, Pachora, Bill Frisell, Ruins, Medeski, Martin and Wood, Anthony Coleman, Eyvind Kang, Slowpoke, Erik Friedlander, Sex Mob, Dave Douglas, Joey Baron, and David Krakauer. And it is a wonderful, joyful, eclectic, affectionate thing -- which is a good thing and a relief, as some of these tributes can be tiresome, overwrought wastes of time.

This is what they wrote:

Dave Brubeck is an enigma. Vilified by the underground intelligentsia for his stiff rhythmic feel and high record sales, Brubeck was a daring and distinctive composer whose experiments in expanding the language of jazz never got in the way of his natural melodic sense. Cross cultural influences, exotic scales and rhythms, experiments with odd time signatures, polytonality and unusual bar lengths are common place today in the music of cutting edge young jazzers like Steve Coleman, Dave Douglas and the like, but in the 1950s they raised more than a few eyebrows. Brubeck was the first. This is a tribute to a misunderstood experimentalist who introduced these elements into jazz over forty years ago in his own sweet way.

I could have picked any number of tracks from the album to highlight, but I went with the version of Blue Rondo A La Turk by Japanese experimental spazz-core noise-rockers Ruins. Because.. well.. it's a great tune, originally, and it's a super cover version. (So's the original original by Mozart, Rondo Alla Turka -- 'pon which Brubeck based his composition -- for that matter.)

Ruins - Blue Rondo A La Turk (4.43 MB mp3: right-click and Save As to download; play using the handy little embedded player below)

UPDATE
I couldn't leave it there, could I. Here's Sex Mob's fantastic cover of Jumpin' which turns the dainty delicacy of the original into a full-blown burlesque cabaret number.

Sex Mob - Jumpin' (6.74 MB mp3: right-click and Save As to download; play using the handy little embedded player below)

Sex Mob is a New York jazz band, originally formed as a Knitting Factory vehicle for Steven Bernstein to exercise his slide trumpet.

Something to go to in Wellington (crosspost)

Hinterland II
Sandra Schmidt

Michael Hirschfeld Gallery (at City Gallery)
10 October — 18 November 2007

...more at the Wellingtonista...

My new favourite blog: Eavesdroppers

Eavesdroppers is not fiction. These are real snippets of conversations heard by this blog's contributors. We do not use names of those quoted to protect their privacy. If you see something you said and feel that you need to receive credit for it, feel free to claim it. We know who you are. However, we're not trying to offend anyone, just to quote those things that brighten our days...

Their favorite posts:
• Cue Nirvana.

• Four days, definitely.

• Frankly, it stinks. [Pun intended.]

• He's taught you so much, though!

• I met them in Philadelphia.

• Off to write my obituary...

• Wrong Answer.

• Yes, we sell stuff for that.

The news for (the day after) Tues

In other news...

Low response to postal voting
Apathy is looming as the biggest issue at this month's local body elections, with early voting figures suggesting a record low turnout. One person realised only a month ago that Wellington's mayor is a woman.

Fer fuckssakes, people, would you vote already? Please?


Muso on dope charge
A New Zealand musician has been detained for a week at Dubai International Airport for possession of marijuana. A customs inspector caught the 48-year-old New Zealander and father of thirteen children -- identified only as B A -- after searching him and finding about 25gm of marijuana.

The mystery man describes himself thusly:

a renowned musician who dedicated his life to nurturing underprivileged children and families through the art of music and musical expression.

Oooh gossip me up! What does B.A. stand for? Bryan Adams? He's Canadian, though, can't be him.

Oh my god.... Huge crabs

Hugecrab.com was created on September 15, 2007 to "catalog the internet's RAPIDLY GROWING stockpile of huge crab; hencefore, All Your Base are belong to Us".

The Original Huge Crab.

no damage ever, no rough stuff ever

Whaddya say when the mother of the five-year-old girl you are arranging to have sex with expresses concern that her child will be hurt during procedings?

I am always gentle and loving; not to worry, no damage ever, no rough stuff ever. I only like it soft and nice.

Apparently that clinches the deal.

New Sex Charge Against U.S. Prosecutor

After reading this, I wish I hadn't got out of bed today.

KIMONG.STARCELEB.TV (34)

I could watch this all day. Really. All day.

Absinthe! Three-day hangover! Oh yeah!

Somewhat inspired by Tom, I bought a whole bunch of bottles of pretty good quality absinthe at an auction recently.


It runs at a pretty handy 70% alcohol a.b.v. and is dangerously quaffable. This I found out the hard way.

Saturday night Ms. K and I were heading to a party and then a gig and I was feeling nervous, thirsty and hot. What better to do, reasoned I then, than sink a few absinthes. That, as the man said, was my mistake.

And so what better excuse, reason I now -- more than a little inspired by Che -- than to for posterity put together a quick'n'dirty "Quick 'N' Dirty Absinthe Drinking" instructional.

[1] You're gonna need a nice straight tumbler, capacity ~200ml. (In case you were wondering, ~ means approximately.) If you have a proper absinthe glass, then more power to ya, use that instead, but more than likely you don't. Have a proper absinthe glass. That is. Unless you want to buy one from an expensive website.

Anyway, what ever you use, pour about 1/2 a glass of absinthe (~100 ml) into the glass.


[2] You're also going to need a small water jug (the small bit is important), a cube of sugar, and an absinthe spoon. The absinthe spoon (my les fleches replica spoon clumsily quick'n'dirtily rendered in pen and ink, above) is also important, and you're even less likely to have that than an absinthe glass. Unless you're me, and you have a spoon but not a glass. Because some douchebag broke it a few months ago, and has resisted all your attempts at dropping increasingly heavy hints about how he should replace it.
That's ok -- use an absinthe spoon, use a teaspoon, it doesn't really matter. This is the Quick 'N' Dirty instructional, and you'll soon get the hang of it.

Arrange spoon on top of glass, arrange sugar cube 'pon that.


[3] Delicately, and slowly, pour (ha ha ha) distilled water from water jug (that's me, below -- I'm using the milk jug from my awesome stainless-steel tea set) onto the sugar cube. Gradually the sugar cube will fall all apart and through the spoon and into the drink -- hopefully by about the same time that the liquid level in your glass reaches the (imaginary) 85% full mark (imaginarily inscribed on the glass).
Yeah, like I said, do it SLOWLY. See why you need a SMALL water-jug? You can't delicately dribble water over a sugar cube with a two-litre beer pitcher now, can you? You do NOT want to fill up and overflow your glass before your sugar cube is broke-up. Trust me on that.

Oh, "(ha ha ha) distilled water" means "go ahead, use distilled water if you want. Or you could buy some fucken (still) Perrier, or Pump, or something, or else you could boil tapwater and chill it, or else... you could just use tapwater. Remember, quick'n'dirty."


[4] Righty. Sugar cube gone-burger, now stir the resultant mixture with the absinthe spoon a bit. And drink. (*1)

See how the liquid in the glass has gone all cloudy? (Above, represented using a PhotoShop overlay and pencil scribble). That's good. That's what happens when the water chemically reacts with the oils in the absinthe. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if your absinthe and water mixture has not gone cloudy, you should immediately pour it and the rest of the bottle of absinthe down the nearest sink, and smack your self over the head for buying cheap muck.


[5] Repeat.


Note *1: Getting back to Saturday night, if you have followed the instructional, you have successfully diluted 140 proof absinthe with a roughly-equivalent quantity of water. You now have an ~200ml glassful of a beverage which is ~35% alcohol; that is, of only slightly-less potency than a standard spirit.

You can see where this is going, can't you? No? Well, to cut a long story short, over the course of an hour I sank four or five of these glassfuls. Then we went to the party. We had great fun, dancing to Le Tigre and the Slits and so on. Then we left there after about an hour, and stopped in at home on the way to the gig, where I began to be violently ill, and passed out.

I know that from time to time I have been known to get completely fucked-up and have a right old go, but I haven't got drunk and vomited for about.. I dunno.. 15 years? Sheesh.

At some point on Sunday, I was able clear my head sufficiently well enough to calculate that in the course of that terrible hour, I'd drunk the approximate equivalent of four bottles of regular wine.

It's Tuesday and I'm still hanged over.

Ouch.